V-Day Toxic

Published February 17th 2011

While I do get feedback from readers occasionally, once and a while someone comes to me with a question in need of answering. While emailing with an old high school friend about relationship troubles, he asked me this: “I really want to break up with my boyfriend of two years, but every time I’ve tried to, he makes the excuse that it’s because I’m not really gay and that I was just using him as an ‘experiment.’ I know I’m gay, but I end up hanging on because of some weird guilt trip. I don’t want the fact that I’m gay to be questioned. It’s Infuriating!”
Infuriating indeed my friend. Instead of giving him a little quip of an email as a response, I decided to take this Q&A to newsprint. First of all, I’ve seen many relationships where partner A is currently questioning their sexuality and partner B is already out of the closet. Many times these relationships don’t work out because of the initial doubt already in place before the relationship started. Partner B can eventually feel like they aren’t being taken seriously, and partner A can feel like they are being pushed into something that they aren’t ready for.
In this case, however, I know for a fact that my friend is 100% homosexual and that his boyfriend, “Sam,” is just refusing to let go. By saying that he is being considered as an ‘experiment’, “Sam” was perhaps already unsteady about the relationship in the first place and felt that neither of them was ever fully committed to making it work (odd for a relationship that has lasted for two years). However, when one person in a relationship wants to end it and the only way to keep them there is to ‘guilt trip’ them, the relationship has already tipped to the unhealthy side of the scale.
If my friend really wants to end things and is only afraid of leaving because “Sam” will think that he has been used, it’s not a good enough reason for him to stick around. My advice for my friend is to be taken with caution because I have not had the chance to speak with the other party involved, and it is always wise, before seeking advice of a third party or giving advice as the third party, to know the thoughts of others.
In the time impending Valentines celebrations, I say to my friend; it’s time to end the toxic association and move on. Be assertive when dealing with touchy subjects and be clear about what you feel. No one wants to be unhappy come Valentines Day after all. Signing off after what I hope is an informative column about relationship woes, yours truly –Stay curious!